I've come to accept that I need medication. Without medication, I go manic and throw newspapers around. But nothing bothers me more than being told "you're off your meds" or "stop going off your meds". Just because I'm medicated doesn't mean I'm not a victim of bullying.

People always like to bring up my medical status and I can get away with saying anything I want. I can call people anything I want and they just tell me to take my meds. I don't like that. I want to be scolded like anyone else would be. I want to be reprimanded and treated as an adult rather than a petulant child. If I'm being an asshole, call me out. I'm not some special little kid that needs to be coddled anymore. I'm 35 now.

Lately, there's this guy named Jesse Powell-Stroud that has been running "interventions" regarding me. He's gone as far as to dig up my parents' phone numbers in order to contact them about me, just because I'm calling him a Nazi (which he is). I don't take Nazi dick up the ass, I castrate Nazis. 

If anyone is coming from Pod Awful to check up on me, yes the Lawlsuit is taking place, and yes I will win.

I had a good job for nearly two years until stress from Pod Awful forced me to quit. No more taking Nazi dick up the ass!

Ten years ago, I was about to start a Star Trek class at St. Mary's College. A very awesome time in my life. So this post is about that. Star Trek and how it helped me.

I used to dislike Star Trek. It was for "nerds" like my dad and brother. My first love for Star Trek began when I saw the movie First Contact, and then in the Fall of 2005 with Markie Lehner and J.S. De Mattei I began watching Deep Space Nine. My favorite character is Quark.

This is a short blog. Life is awesome!

There is nothing more frustrating and dehumanizing than being patronized. When someone talks down to me or sees me as somehow incapable, it is very discouraging and nerve-wracking because I want to know what I did to give off such a negative impression.

Sometimes it seems that people seek to defend those they believe to be "helpless" and thus in need of extra assistance, but in defending us from attacks, they hurt more than they help. In the past, I've had people "come to my defense" against those who were insulting me by implying that I "couldn't help it" because of various neurological conditions from which I suffered.

I don't want to be seen in that light, however. If I am behaving inappropriately or not performing up to the expected standard, I want to hear about it. I want the same disciplinary measures or training that would occur for anyone else, rather than having it brushed off as "Oh, Jesse has Asperger's so it's okay if he can't do things as well the rest of us!"

Making excuses is a poor way to go about life, and it's something I've always tried to avoid even when it would have explained situations more easily than anything else. I've never used my disability status for employment and I would feel uncomfortable doing so, even in my current situation.

I've come to accept that a traditional career path may not work out for me. It seems that jobs that use the skills at which I am best demand many years of experience in very specific fields, and the jobs that I do quality for often do not utilize my strengths as much as I would desire.

But even if I am struggling to comprehend something, I do not want to be patronized. I want to be treated just as anyone else would, with the same punishment that would occur for anyone else. Low expectations lead us down a dark path where we simply accept people's limitations without challenging them whatsoever.

And that is not what I want. I want to be challenged to improve myself and not only reach my potential but go beyond it. I am reaching out to the world to have you all know that I don't believe in "limitations". We can all achieve greatness if we set our minds to it and if other people expect it of us. Do not limit yourself and do not accept weak praise and low expectations! 

It is easy, especially if you have taken various tests in school to define yourself as "disabled" or "mentally challenged" simply because the assessments you took gave determined you to be such. But do not let that define you as a person. Disability can lead to great ability in other areas as we use our strengths to compensate for our weaknesses.

For me, I struggled with math early on due to poor handwriting and a disorganized thought process. But as I became older, I was able to compensate for my weaknesses by relying more on my strengths. Is it "non-verbal learning disability" or "extra-verbal learning ability". Perhaps it is both.

And there is another thing to keep in mind. When you are being given a test for a learning disability, it is often so you can get help from the school. So the tests that you are taking are designed to determine that you have some disability or are in need of assistance even if it does not show on your grades or when you interact with others.

One of the greatest things I've learned over the years is to accept help. In Cupertino High School, I was part of a class called "Academic Communications" which was a class to help students who struggled with social skills. It was a small class, usually four or five students to just the one teacher.

But unlike most of the others who were there, I was eager to learn even if some of the information seemed condescending. And as a result, the teacher determined I didn't need the class any more late in my sophomore year, while the other students who developed poor attitudes and simply zoned out during their lessons would be there for all four years of high school.

Do not think of what you cannot do. Think instead of what you can do. Your disabilities might limit you in some facets of life, but that comes with a benefit of an unusual or even uncanny strength in other areas. For me, I am very good at writing and analyzing data even if I struggle with communication.

And to end this piece... if there is someone else out there, someone who is really good at communicating and reading people but struggles with analyzing information and writing out ideas, perhaps you and I could work together to make this world a better place. We are all human and humanity is what we choose to be, not a curse or a burden!

Sometimes it is easier just to isolate ourselves. The world has too many stimuli, and we might not be able to handle it as much as society expects us to. And thus we just want to shut down, retreating into our minds where things seem safer than they are in reality. But that is not a long-term solution and it is not a good idea.

I have isolated myself in the past so I know from experience that it is not the best path to take. Back in 2007, I worked 40 hours a week while taking a full load of classes. I would often go straight from my afternoon class to the AMC Bay Street 16, working until 1 or 2 AM, getting by on four or five hours of sleep a night due to having 8 AM classes every day that semester. 

Had I been working a more social position at the theatre it might not have been so bad, but I was the projectionist. It involved very little direct communication with other people. For hours, my only communication with other humans was through the walkie-talkie, occasionally being told to adjust the sound on a theatre that was too quiet or loud. But other than grabbing dinner during a break from Rubio's or Fuddruckers, I was alone save for sixteen projection systems that demanded to be threaded.

At one level, I really enjoyed the position. I had always been timid around machines in the past, afraid that I'd press the wrong button or make some mistake that would be glaringly obvious to others, but due to my "mechanical retardation" I would not notice it as I went through the process. Despite some early hiccups, I excelled at projection... and being upstairs surrounded by machines became relaxing rather than frightening.

But I have to admit, I had isolated myself up there. I was no longer interacting with the guests or my co-workers except during breaks. The summer of 2007 was probably when this was at its worst. I remember a phone conversation with my mom, nearly 9 PM on the July 4 weekend... and I had asked her if they were watching fireworks yet, and she informed me that it wasn't dark enough. 

I realized then that I was losing touch with the outside world. It would have been even worse if I had the projection job in the morning and came outside when it was dark in the evening... completely depriving myself of a day of sunshine. I did work projection shifts on mornings sometimes, but with my college schedule I usually was working the later shifts, so I still did get a bit of time outdoors when I walked to and from classes.

Isolating yourself is not fun, and in the long term it is not a good solution. I am currently trying to do a better job of putting myself out there more. When I speak of "isolating yourself" it is both in regards to the amount of time spent outdoors  and to shutting ourselves off from other people.

I am trying to do better in both regards. I attempt to spend at least an hour outside each day and have some solid communication with friends and family. We are all in this together and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And no, it's not a train coming to run us over. The world is a great place with great people and there is nothing to fear.

Enjoy the world and what it has to offer, and let yourself be hard. Speak up, do not hide your true colors. If someone shuns you for what you say, then perhaps they were not worth your time.

Have a good night!

I am truly free today. On the surface, I may seem like I need help or assistance. I do not have an employer and I am paying rent each month. But it is not because I lack qualifications or experience. It is instead that I am overqualified for the positions that I find. In 2009, after I first earned my Master's Degree, I thought it would be an instant path to a decent job that would allow me to raise a family. But none of that happened. Instead, I worked retail and various hourly "Quality Control" jobs that challenged me intellectually but did not pay as well as someone with my skillset would get in a fair system.

Perhaps it has been that Master's Degree that scares employers off. They want someone who doesn't have that extra advantage, because they know that I could jump ship as soon as a better opportunity reveals itself to me. But I would not do that. I've stuck with jobs and I don't just quit unless the situation is dire. 

My most recent job was awesome, and I have no regrets about anything there. My employers were very kind though also strict, and I appreciated the advice that they gave me. Through my most recent boss, I learned my two greatest strengths. I am "reliable" and a "quick learner". That meant more to me than anything else she had said, because those are two of the most important traits any employee can have. I am rarely if ever late. I used to have trouble making it on time to jobs, especially when I drove down highway 24 to get to Emeryville from Moraga.

But since I've started biking, it's easier to tell how long it will take to get somewhere. No freeway accidents... just potential bad luck with slow Google bikes or bad timing with pedestrians going across the street at the intersection.

That being said... I haven't been employed for almost three months now. But I couldn't be happier. I have come to accept that I can't just be another cog in the machine. My skillset, fairly judged would be worth at least $60,000 yearly. But the jobs that offer those sort of salaries have onerous "experience" requirements and specific demands for classes that I never took, especially when you look at government work.

So I have decided... rather than being in the demand for labor, I will be the supply. I'll admit it... I've always had more wealth than the other kids on the block. But my parents (both mom/dad) would always choose houses that looked like they were in kid-friendly neighborhoods, not fancy houses that would impress others.

I've always been the house on the corner growing up, or the house at the end of the cul-de-sac. And I want to spread my wealth and my knowledge. I am not interested in working in food services or retail anymore. It is time that people took me seriously and followed my lead rather than giving me misguided advice such as "You need to get more education" or "You don't interview well".

First of all, I do interview well, but that's not all it takes. And I have been getting more education. When I couldn't find a good job despite my MA in Demographics, I took it upon myself to learn SQL and C++ even while working at Great America and Google. And then I took Creative Writing and Accounting classes through the City of Santa Clara.

I've played by the rules my whole life. I've done everything the right way. I am free. I am going to be famous and I have no fears and no doubts. Anyone who is here to drag me down or mock me, kindly go away. You know I'm better than you, so instead of dragging me down to your level, try to be more like me!

People often say things like "I'm bipolar" or "I'm autistic". But cancer patients don't say "I'm cancer". And when you have a cold, you don't say "I'm a cold".

We need to have a healthier attitude about mental illness. It is not some unchangeable fact of life. It can be cured, or at the very least treated. Personally, I've been given so many labels I don't care about them anymore. I have Asperger's, bipolar, schizoaffective, and paranoid schizophrenia. All (in some cases) because I accidentally said "Yes" when someone asked "Are you seeing things?"

I don't think it's fair or just to let a doctor who sees patients for a few minutes over a week or two to put on a label that has such a stigma. We need to see mental illness as something that can be helped, not as a part of someone's personality. But at the same time, we need to understand that we're human.

I don't describe myself as autistic or anything anymore. I'm just a human. I have a tendency to go on about topics few others care about, to develop powerful crushes on internet forum users like HaroldtheBat (a girl) and singer/songwriter Anna Nalick, but that's just being human. It's not because of some terrible condition that I am the way I am.

I'm very proud of who I am and I'm not afraid of it. I accept the consequences for my actions and I don't blame anything or anyone. As a society we will only truly move forward when we stop treating mental conditions as a permanent and unchangeable curse. 

Have a safe and healthy night.

No one is protected from consequences. We can try to insist that they do not apply to us, and at some level, our past behavior can shield us from potential consequences. This, of course, goes two ways. A consistent record of poor behavior and habits may lead others to write off positive interactions with you as a fluke, while a negative interaction with one who has a track record of being a positive influence may be seen as an accident or just someone "having a bad day".

I've come to accept consequences for my actions. I know I cannot reverse the past and change what has been said and done. The past is set in stone, but our decisions to focus on the past or the future can shape us more than we think. I lost my job at AMC a little over a month ago due to a poor reaction to a rude guest. This is the worst thing one can do in retail, and I realize that. I was very frustrated, as we were under-prepared for the crowd that had come in, but nothing excused the way I talked to the guest. 

It would have been best if I had remained calm and not said anything that could get me in trouble, but what's done is done and now I must move on. Every day, I look for various jobs I can find online. And much of the time, the rejections come nearly as quickly as my applications. Usually, I do not have quite the right background that companies are looking for in the hiring process.

I hate to admit it, but I think I need some sort of help in my vocational journey. I've always been afraid of being labeled "different" in a negative light, but perhaps that time has come. I need to accept that I have some traits and habits that are not conducive to finding steady employment, and these are parts of myself that I need to work on.

With a master's degree and more than a year of relevant experience, it shouldn't be too difficult to find a job. But my track record lately has not been ideal, and thus jobs that are more career-oriented often do not come my way.

I am looking for help finding a job, or finding a new path. If anyone is out there, I am open to suggestions on how to best move forward.

It is important to speak for ourselves. That being said, one thing that really bothers me is how people see posting random memes and pictures as speaking for themselves. It is said a picture is worth 1000 words, but I disagree. When you simply post  a picture with a picture of a child that says "Treat all people equally", that is a nice message, but it is not nearly as important as a true story with specific examples and explanations.

All these posts from various "Autism" groups claiming that it is "Autism Awareness Month" or some such mean absolutely nothing to me. Personally, I find that autism spectrum disorders are over-diagnosed. There are many traits that one could suggest make a person "autistic" but it is, I would say, more often a matter of a learning disability. The hyperlexia-dyslexia label, not "autism". 

So, I ask of you, instead of "sharing" and "liking" a meaningless status that says a couple of empty platitudes about equality and respect, live your lives in a way that show equality and respect mean a lot to you. That is what I have chosen to do with my life. We are all in control of our own actions, and we should do the best we can to live in a way that supports these choices.

It is more than living with a positive aura or energy. I have a hard time trusting those who are constantly happy. To me, that shows they are hiding their true emotions, either from themselves or from others. We should not make excuses for our decisions and actions. Being drunk or otherwise in an "alternate state of mind", in my opinion, does not excuse you from your actions during these times.

And on a closing note, language changes all the time. Thus, I (Jesse) do not feel that using words like "retard" should be in and of itself a bad thing. If someone is to say something is "retarded" that does not make them a bad person. Calling someone retarded is not ideal, but it would be worse if you didn't call them such a term yet said much worse things instead of calling them that name.

This world is improving every day. Our attitudes and decisions can be controlled. And I choose to be a loud light, shining down upon the world, blasting like I am Shinedown, to bring positive thinking to the world. But that may not be your path. Choose your path and make your choices. I will see you when I see you.

Addie. Addimal. Creature. NinjaKitten. Addie the Otter. Cleopatra of Isis. Goddess. All names for you. I knew you for 11 years. You were one of the few "internet people" that I actually felt comfortable talking to around my real life college friends. Not just around Russell, but around John Stephen as well, who was very skittish and afraid of his own shadow.  

You helped me so much for all those years. From that first week when we talked for hours and hours every night in April 2003. It was STAR Testing week, and I was a senior, and I didn't have to take it. My brother didn't either, as my mom had opted him out. But that's for another story. This is about you, Addie. And Neil and John and Heidi and Caleb and Ollie and Joey and everyone else's lives who you have touched with your magic ninja kitten powers of witchcraft and redhead Goddess magic.

When we first talked, I didn't agree with all your views. You believe in faeries and other wiccan/pagan concepts. But unlike most of the teenage girls who claimed to be wiccan or pagan, you had a solid moral and ethical belief system and I loved discussing things with you, and mocking astrology as you insisted I was "such a Geminii" every time I'd talk about it.

You were the one person with whom I could share anything. I told you all the details of my hospital visits and the situations that arose, and in "Summer Story" your character was Heather. Heather being a "friend" name for me. From the lesbian Pepperdrinks to Nobodyworth to HeatherLW, Heathers are always awesome.  Though I lost Nobodyworth as a friend after letting Aran, the  Lardmaster add me as a friend, and thus enabling him to find her FB and harrass her.

But yes. Addie was amazing. She lived her whole life respecting everyone and everything. But at the same time, she didn't coddle people and sugarcoat the truth. When it was necessary she would speak the blunt facts. This website is dedicated to her and her way of life. She is one of the most amazing people ever.

John - I did not know you too well. I know you mostly through Addie... I was that weird Electricbassguy... guy. I think I sent you two of my political science papers I wrote in 2004 to save your ass in a poli sci class. They were about communism. Of course, as an Adam Smith/John Stuart Mill/Keynes/Friedman kind of guy, I have to say my opinions on communism are rather negatively biased.

Neil - I knew a lot of about you, and your dog. It was nice being able to text with you through your using Addie's phone today and learn what really happened. I hope they know it was an accident. She did not intend to die at all. I just wish she had learned not to use medication to relax. That is something I wish I could have helped her with. Her instincts were always to take the medication to make it through tough situations... and I think that was her undoing. :(

Heidi - You were six when I met you... so you probably remember that day we spent at Puget Sound, skipping rocks into the water and playing tag. I think that was the only time I ever actually skipped a rock. It takes a lot of practice. Someday you will be a beautiful woman just like your mom with a fancy job and a degree. Don't listen to anyone who says bad things about her.

Caleb - I don't know if you remember me. You were just three at the time. Maybe it was one of your first memories. But we had fun. Stay strong.

Ollie - I'm almost certain you wouldn't remember me... you were 18 months I believe, back in November 2009. Now you must be 6.... as old as Heidi was when I met her. I am sure you are a genius like your sister and your brother. You have Addie's genes.

Joey - You need to get past some of the people you've met online. I know it sounds crazy but I feel that there are evil and dangerous forces that dislike us. Back on YT 12 years ago, you were the "little devil" and I was the "little angel" and it was all roleplaying and fun. You overexaggerated your depressive traits and hated on me for being too nice. I exaggerated my innocence and played the sweet naive boy. We both need to step away from our internet roles. We're both humans in our 20s. You're tall and probably a few burgers short of a healthy body weight... I'm average height, average weight, genius mind.

This blog is something I will try to use more. Please post your stories on this site. Mental disabilities are not an excuse for inaction. Stand up for yourself.